I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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