I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
