fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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