I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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