and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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