you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
