I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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