I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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