So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
