Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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