if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
