i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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