hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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