If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
