I can text with my tongue
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
