its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
