dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
