We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
