I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
