Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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