can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
