Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
