Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
