she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
