I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We had to coat check the pizza.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
COCAINE IS GR8
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
