she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
