well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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