Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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