I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
