Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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