dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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