Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
