I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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