I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
