Too much gin, very little bucket
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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