If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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