how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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