I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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