I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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