I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
