shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
