I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
