Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
