can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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