I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
smell my finger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
