Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
