***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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