I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
