How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
