you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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