I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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