so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
