I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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