Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
