so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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