I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
