Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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